I don’t like Ice. It’s not the cold i dislike, quite the opposite. It’s the darkness. It scares me in so many ways… The tournament is always fun to watch, but Mother always goes away. That’s honestly the worst part. mother is so powerful, I just know it. This year she sung a sword form a tree for me. she’s been teaching me words of Elven and the basics of it’s speech. I wish i could meet more of us. Being one of three within any reasonable travel distance, it feels like no matter how much I learn there is always more. I’ve heard so much about the City of Light form Mother, but every time I ask why we don’t live there she get s a strange look and the conversation ends.
11th day of Ice:
Today is the tournament. I’m going to head into town and compete. Mother has been teaching me how to use a sword, I love it. it gives me something to do when I’m not in school, i almost feel a tangible connection to my heritage when I’m practicing. Sometimes, I even pretend I’m Captain Corelleon.
So, the competition was against one of the Carver boys, he seems nice enough, so i didn’t want to embarrass him too badly. He hit me pretty good too. It was a good fight. For a human. I’m gonna be feeling that bruise for a long time.
The other human, the one who hangs around with the shy girl and the tomboy, Matthew Vance. I fought him in the final round. He did well enough, I suppose. it was a let down. his fight before said he had intelligence enough to use an enemy’s weakness against them, but i thought he’d be able to take a few more hits than that.
It was nice to win the contest, but without even my Brother there to congratulate me, it felt like it wasn’t worth anything. the people of the village all cheered, but looking at the Vance boy’s family patting him on the back and being close made me feel so alone. Well, if I’m going to be alone I’ll be fully alone.
So, I ruined a boys life. I cut off his hand in a moment of hatred. He was going to kill me, i could see it in his eyes. I know I only went to get rid of his weapon-hand, but if he hadn’t gotten medical attention he would have died. All I could think was that if he was going to extinguish my light, I’d take his with me.
I thought I’d feel something more than this. I’ve dreamed of being like Captain Corelleon Larethian. Now the feeling of being an outsider is even stronger. I’ve been told that the Vance boy made sure I didn’t die waiting for Mister Pritchard. Now the entire Carver family doesn’t talk to me. I don’t think they like the fact that one of their children tried to kill me and I defended myself. My brother and I are now in danger, for all I can tell. as much as i hate the darkness, someone lit a torch and threw it into our house. then someone defiled our front door. I made a new one (as best as I could) but the fact remains. Someone is saying we aren’t welcome. I tried to live on my own. I know Mother could have done it, but apparently I just can’t hold a candle to her. Snow fell on me and again i felt the darkness. then i was in the Magistrates home in the woods, the creepy woods that i never felt safe in. he let me stay there because he said Mother would kill him if he had let anything happen to me.
Why can’t I help myself? Is cutting off some child’s hand going to be the height of my life? The other kids my age are even harder for me to face than the adults. how can i face them after that? the Carver boy’s friends, my own small group… all of them. they’re just human, how can I expect them to move beyond this when I can’t?
I told Mother, when she got home and i had explained everything, that i want power. she told me about responsibility and how the cycles of Nature have power. I know she’s a Druid and that’s how she always talks about Nature, but I don’t think she really understands why I want power. I’m not even sure why, but i can guess. I want it so that no one will ever do anything to hurt me again. I want power so that I can turn the very world against the people who want to hurt me or those I want to protect. I want it so bad I cry some times. I sleep with he sword Mother sang for me.
I want Power.